It’s the same old place again. An ending, and a beginning. And the question of how to break away.
I’m lost in a maze – darkness and shadow, doorways wrapped in mist, deceptive paths that vanish even as I walk them. Endless possibilities. And yet…
There is hurt, and fear, but the hope hasn’t woken up yet.
Its the same old place again. But this time, I want to make it into something new.
It is liberating when you stop caring. Have you ever stopped to think how many of your decisions, every day, are driven by a fear of consequences? Because you are afraid of losing something that you value? Money, health, life, friendship, or even just a bit of pretend peace?
But what if you weren’t worried about what you might lose?
The thought tastes of freedom.
With just a hint of recklessness sprinkled over it.
Am I being mean if I’m waiting for the day I get to be alone again? Selfish, I admit. To be responsible for and answerable to myself and no one else.
Tired of playing grown-up. Because being a grown-up means so many things I don’t want to be.
Responsible. Stable. Rational.
Waiting for the day I get to cry again. To not have to care about how my emotional state affects another.
Anger, sorrow, frustration, despair.
Waiting for the day the reflection turns true again. When the water is still enough to flow unchecked.
One year. Sometimes it feels like I still haven’t woken up from that dream. The mysterious dream haze of that day and that week and that month…
It’s just you and me. The world and everyone in it – intruders all. To be kept out. Away. Just us.
Sometimes I still tremble when you kiss me. The way you can turn me on with just a glance. The way your touch can make me feel better anytime, anywhere. How it means so many things. Comfort, ownership, love, companionship, desire.
I love how you are willing to fight with me to protect me. Even though you hate fighting. I love the ring in your voice when you tell me, oh-so-matter-of-factly, that you would do anything to protect me. Even though I wouldn’t want you to.
I love the whispered words that never reach my ears, the kisses in the night while I sleep, the way I can melt into you with no awkwardness of elbows and knees.
A perfect fit.
People want to believe that life is good. That there is hope. And promise.
So when you tell them that you are okay, they want to believe it. Sometimes, they need to believe it. Because that lets them believe that they’ll be okay too.
Much used. Much abused.
It hides when you don’t know what to say.
It hides when your heart is screaming something, but you don’t let yourself say it out loud.
It hides your opinions, melting you into agreeable agreement.
It hides whatever you want it to hide.
I’m OK, thank you for asking.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday, I watched a video on Facebook and learnt how to make home-made cough drops. Today, on a phone call, I learnt that 1 is greater than 7.
I learnt that when you push the pain out of your body, the expulsion is physical. Tears. Vomit. The inability to breathe.
That there is a point beyond tears, filled with nothingness. It is a quiet place to be once the violence is over.
That what has once been broken can never be fully fixed. It will always be a fractured thing, cracks showing in weak spots.
That numbness might not be such a bad thing after all. Okay, I’d learnt that one already but a reminder is always good.
That “Okay” might be the most painful thing to hear. That it can be the one word to change your life.
They say that when you stop learning you stop living. But what if you don’t survive the lesson?
“The past has always been my happy place.”
Something I wrote just 4 months ago. A little surprised that it is no longer true. My feelings towards my past have not changed. But my present… Warmer, rosier, more gold than anything else. Peep holes turned into doorways, chains pulled away, windows that have been unlocked, fingers that have been unclenched. Reached out.
It is always scary when you realize how much power one person holds over you – your happiness, your time, your state of mind. When you let someone in, it is wonderful and terrifying and intoxicating at the same time. Manage to hold the fear in, and it is the warmth of someone’s hand on yours, the touch that says only one thing, “I am here with you.”
And that is the most important thing to say after all.
Flying and floating. The wind, a friend.
Waves in the sky. Cold that can’t touch me, can’t wake me. Dreams that are no dreams.
Pure. Untempered. Untouched.
The colour of peace. The colour of my happiness. The glow around me.
The sunrise that is soft light and music and warmth stealing up on me.
I dream, while the shadows sleep.
I’ve looked at the past for a long time. Not long enough, and yet… Long enough.
I’m not ready to look at the future. Except for cautious sideways glances so brief that the brain can’t catch up with what the eye sees.
Forced to exist in the present, I’m not really sure what to do. It is a little scary, and a little thrilling. It has also forced the question – where did I live earlier? I know I’ve never lived in the future. No grand dreams consumed me, not every step I took was to lead me down a predetermined path to a predetermined goal.
That left the past, and the present. And that is where it got a little confusing.
The past has always been my happy place. Good memories bathed in a golden glow that probably made them more beautiful than reality, and bad memories with angles softened till there were no sharp edges – and enough soft haze to blunt out the pain. This is not to say that I don’t have painful memories. It is just that those are more like memories of memories. Enough distance to make it not hurt.
And the present? The whole “living in the moment” bit has never been my thing. But is “the present” bigger than “the moment?” I hope so. I’ve almost always been happy with my circumstances, never looking back on past riches (whether real or perceived) with regret or a sense of loss. Maybe just a little wistfulness. I’ve never really mourned lost friends. Out of sight equals out of mind. Or lost opportunities. Might have been great but this isn’t too bad either.
So, then, what? Where? Am I just floating along on the clouds? Is any part of my life real to me? Or is it all just dream-haze?
What hurts more – when love turns to hate? Or when love turns to unconcern? How can you and I have changed so much that we longer even care enough to hate?
It takes too much. Too much time. Too much energy. Too much space in my mind. Too much that I don’t have to give. Too much that I don’t want to give. Is it the same for you?
A little bit of hate. A little bit of sorrow. A little bit of anger. Just so I know you matter. Just so I know I matter. Just so I know we remember.
I hope someday you think of me and smile and miss me just a little.